April 06, 2009

Bottom of the Quarterback Barrell.

Jeff Garcia signed with the evil empire of football today, taking another decent quarterback off of a thin market. Here at Burnt Turducken, we made a list of the top 5 ok quarterbacks left in free agency, and the teams that could use them.

5. Gus Frerotte - First things first, I never knew there was an R before the E. That just looks ridiculous. Anyways, Frerotte is still a capable veteran, as he proved last year leading the Vikings to a 7-3 record as their starting QB. He may not be flashy, but he could probably be a solid backup to teams with a young arm needing mentoring.
Teams of Interest: Minnesota, Chicago, Baltimore.

4. Rex Grossman - Sure, he's got a nickname of "wrecks" to live down, but remember, this man led a Bears team to a Superbowl just 3 seasons ago. He has a solid arm that warranted a first round pick in '03, and could be used as fall-back insurance on some teams.
Teams of Interest: Houston, Buffalo, St. Louis.

3. Charlie Batch - Charlie Batch is a QB that should most definitely be picked in free agency. Being in the league 10 years and a 2 time Superbowl champion, although those rings were given to him as a back-up it still gives him credibility and could really help younger players on the team, can also be used as a spot starter for a struggling team. Not to mention his sick middle name D'Donte.
Teams of Interest: Pittsburgh, Oakland, Atlanta.

2. J.P. Losman - Clearly not the most reliable quarterback, but still has the skill to be a solid second string QB in the NFL. Losman still has the potential to develop into a decent starter in the league, in the mean time he could still be relied on to give you a so-so performance if an injury occurs.
Teams of Interest: New York Jets, Washington, Green Bay.

1.Byron Leftwitch - Yes, he was kicked out of Jacksonville for a more successful QB in Garrard, and the same thing happened involving Matt Ryan and Atlanta, but there's one thing people forget about Leftwitch, and that's that he is an adequate starting Quarterback. There are teams that could be in need of a starter to tide them over, or a backup to ignite a battle, and Byron would be just the guy.
Teams of Interest: Tampa Bay, Detroit, San Fransisco

April 05, 2009

2009 Mock Draft: Superhero Edition

1. Detroit Lions - Captain America - QB

Detroit hasn't had a franchise QB since the days of Bobby Layne, so how about getting the consummate All-American to be the new face of a new franchise. I'm sure Captain America would have all the necessary tools, the size and the leadership to guide Jim Schwartz's new regime.

2. St. Louis Rams - Sabretooth - LT

With the departure of Orlando Pace, the Rams most glaring need is on the offensive line. Steve Spagnuolo will take this mauler with the second pick to solidify the line for years to come.

3. Kansas City Chiefs - Superman - HB

The Chiefs take Superman, without a doubt the best player on the board. Scott Pioli can release the bad character Larry Johnson and replace him with, well, Superman. Matt Cassell will have a ton of pressure taken off his shoulders, and I bet Superman could run the wildcat to a tee. Plus, did we mention he's Superman?

4. Seattle Seahawks - Hellboy - LT

With the signing of T.J. Houshmalalala, receiver is not a pressing need. However, protecting Matt Hasselbeck is. Hellboy would use his long arms and great hands to pummel defensive ends.

5. Cleveland Browns - Beast - RE

Mangini's 3-4 defense needs some ends that can get pressure while holding there own against the run. Beast could get to the QB with some rip moves, spin moves, or just scaring the shit out of them.

6. Cincinnati Bengals - Doomsday - LE

With Cincinnati's dreadful defense Doomsday is exactly what this franchise needs. Doomsday would bring the intensity and aggression to a defense lacking both of these, and he would also bring fear to opposing offenses. We're praying for a meeting between Cincinnati and Kansas city.

7. Oakland Raiders - Flash - WR

The best receiver in the draft comes off the board here. We all know how much Al Davis loves 40 times, so the Flash is an obvious pick. Besides, Jamarcus Russell just has to throw one 60 yards from his knees, and the Flash will get there.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars - Batman - QB

Clearly a genius, Batman would force Garrard to play better. If Garrard didn't play to his potential I'm sure Batman could find something on his belt to lead the Jags to a play-off berth.

9. Green Bay Packers - Venom - MLB

With the pack switching to a 3-4 under Dom Capers, the drafting of Venom will let A.J. Hawk stay on the outside where he belongs as a bookend, with Aaron Kampman playing the elephant. Corner is a possibility here, but Venom's freakish ability is too good to pass up.

10. San Fransisco 49ers - Iron Man - WR

This isn't a pressing need or anything, even though they have inconsistency and age at the position, but the Niners would love to have a big play threat like Iron Man. With solid durability and burst off the line, he'd make a solid target for Shaun Hill. Or Alex Smith. Or whoever.

11. Buffalo Bills - Luke Cage - TE

Buffalo needs a TE that could be a vertical threat. With genetically enhanced muscles that won't get him in trouble like B.J. Raji, Luke Cage would be a solid TE, blocking and receiving. And for those of you who are saying "who the hell is Luke Cage?" Google it.

12. Denver Broncos - Juggernaut - DT

With the switch to a 3-4 defense, the Broncos need many new defensive pieces. Juggernaut could smooth the transition by not only being a 2 gap defender, but pretty much a 4 gap defender. He would solidify the inside line because he's the Juggernaut, bitch.

13. Washington Redskins - Doctor Octopus - LT

With their tackles getting older, and with Jim Zorn wanting to get his offense off the ground, the selection of Doc Ock makes sense. He uses his arms very well and will give Jason Campbell time to make all the throws he needs.

14. New Orleans Saints - Green Lantern - CB

A running back could make sense here to go with Reggie Bush and Pierre Thomas, but a more pressing need is the secondary, where Green Lantern's speed and range should come in handy for the Saints.

15. Houston Texans - Robocop - OT

The 4th offensive tackle of the top 15 goes here to the Texans, where Duane Brown can hold down the left side, but Eric Winston isn't exactly an answer opposite him. Robocop could be plugged in on the RT spot from day 1 and has the durability to stay there for quite a while.

16. San Diego Chargers - Hulk - MLB

Getting some interior linebacker help could be a good idea for the Chargers, and with Merriman coming back next season, their linebackers could be one of the best groups in the NFL, especially with this monster manning the middle. The only reason he falls this late is because you don't know which side of him will show up on game day.

17. New York Jets - Gambit - QB

The football world knows that the Jets like Southern-born gunslingers, and with a quarterback stable of Erik Ainge, Brett Ratliff and Kellen Clemens, a QB makes sense for new coach Rex Ryan, whether he admits it or not.

18. Denver Broncos - Wolverine - LE

Continuing with additions to the 3-4 D, Wolverine will add an end rusher with solid rip move and high durability.

19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Bane - DT

Even though a trade up for a Quarterback like Batman or Gambit is possible, a good idea would be to solidify the defensive line with a genetically modified freak.

20. Detroit Lions - Thing - MLB

Set on the outside with Ernie Sims and recently acquired Julian Peterson, the Lions will get Thing to man the middle. He's a solid tackler who acts like a brick wall preventing runners from getting to the second level.

21. Philadeplhia Eagles - Rhino - HB

Finally, a durable, change of pace back for Brian Westbrook. A North-South runner with some serious power.

22. Minnesota Vikings - Spiderman - WR

Minnesota finally gets an athletic play maker to be their number 1 receiver. With sticky hands and great leaping ability, Spidey would make an excellent target for either Sage Rosenfels or T-Jax.

23. New England Patriots - Mr. Fantastic - CB

Belichek type player with high character and matching ability. With the Pats being low on high quality corners, this was an easy pick. Able to cover a large area and should be a lockdown corner against other teams number 1 guys.

24. Atlanta Falcons - Deadpool - OLB

The Falcons lost quite a few linebackers this offseason (Michael Boley, Keith Brooking) and getting Deadpool would be a good choice. Even though he has some character issues, his durability, athleticism and pure power would be good for the team. Plus, his irreverent banter would be entertaining.

25. Miami Dolphins - Punisher - SS

The Dolphins need safety help, and the Punisher would be an ideal fit as a tough, character guy for Bill Parcells. He would patrol the middle and lay devastating hits on anyone who crossed him. Especially those who harm his family.

26. Baltimore Ravens - Cyclops - CB

With a fading group of corners and unproven youngsters Cyclops would be the best pick available. He will contribute greatly to this already stellar D, as long as he keeps his glasses on.

27. Indianapolis Colts- Human Torch- WR

The Colts need to pick wideout after releasing Marvin Harrison, who better than a speedy man on fire. Human Torch will be able to spread the defense, leaving them with deep zones to prevent getting burned. The only downside? After every catch, we'll need a new ball.

28. Philidelphia Eagles - Mr. Freeze - OT

Stacy Andrews and Todd Herremans are solid, yet not spectacular options for Andy Reid. Mr. Freeze would cool down hot blitz packages, handling them with ease. He won't get penalties as he'll be cool under pressure, and will be solid like an ice berg on the left or right side of the line. I'll stop with the puns now.

29. New York Giants - Nightcrawler - WR

Plax got the axe, and Tom Coughlin has an unreliable stable of receivers, so one with the abilities of Nightcrawler would be accepted with open arms. He can teleport from the line, to the reception, to the endzone quickly, and has experience as a gymnast to help make acrobatic catches.

30. Tennessee Titans - Thor - DT

Haynesworth went for the money in D.C., so the Titans should choose someone to bring strength and intensity to the position. With his longevity, he could anchor the middle of the line for years to come.

31. Arizona Cardinals - Spawn - OLB

Cardinals pick up a pass rushing demon in Spawn, who they can match with Dansby to give them a formidable linebacker duo. He'll be in the nightmares of NFC west QB's.

32. Pittsburgh Steelers - Blob - OG

With the last pick of the first round, the Steelers take the Blob to play offensive guard. Which one you ask? Both, and the centre. How's that for cost-effective in this recession.

A Letter Back To Pat Bowlen

Dear Patty,

I thank you for your letter, but I still have some questions, like why the fuck did we trade Jay? With Cutler, we had a potent offense, and now it will be run by a man some people affectionately call "Neckbreard".Jay could have been the next great Denver QB with a "J" name, like John Elway and Jake Plummer (yeah, that was a reach.) I know the reason we traded him was because he, as you put it, "no longer wanted to play for the Denver Broncos" and was being a little baby about it, and that's fine, you did what you needed to do. But why, in the first place, did McDaniels try and shop him? He could have run that offense to a tee, and instead he wanted one year wonder Matt Cassel? Ridiculous. Also, you did get a nice deal for him, and I commend you for that. Just please, please don't fuck it up. The Broncos have not been the greatest of drafters, picking people like George Foster and Maurice Clarrett. You have this wonderful group of picks, so use them well. If you don't, well, shit may hit the fan.

Sincerely Yours,
Denver Broncos Fan

P.S. Really? A third round pick on Maurice Clarrett?

April 04, 2009

Tidbits on Saturday.

Plaxico Burress was released by the Giants, leaving Eli to throw to helmet grabber and Dominik Hixon, the poor guy.

5 Draft prospects, including B.J. Raji have tested positive from the combine. Raji's was positive for marijuana, proving that his 340 pound frame is from a serious case of the munchies.

Continuing with the fact that it's not that great to be an NFL receiver, Donte Stallworth was arrested and charged with DUI and manslaughter, possibly facing up to 15 years behind bars. If he goes away for that long, he could come back to see Kurt Warner still playing.

And finally, Michael Vick is still broke.

February 08, 2009

So 50,000 Come Out To Watch A Practice..

This morning, I woke up under the idea that by the end of the night, I will have done a good, bad and ugly on the Pro Bowl, what with it being the last game of the year and all that. But then at about 5 o'clock I realized something.

How fucking pointless the Pro Bowl really is.

I know, I know. Every major sport has an event to celebrate their all stars. It's pretty much a law. But it's not just supposed to celebrate them, but it's also supposed to celebrate the sport. Which brings me to my main argument as to why I dislike the Pro Bowl so much. It's a scrimmage.

Yep. The best players in the league are selected by fan vote and then by the coaches and then proceed to play in a scrimmage located across the Pacific Ocean (except it won't be next year, as it will be moved to Hawaii. That means John Madden can commentate it. I'm holding my breath for that one.) The main problem with the whole scrimmage thing is that, even though it does have some awesome shows of offense, my favorite part is missing. Defense.

No, there are no Ray Lewis smackdowns, no Albert Haynesworth demolitions or any Ryan Clark decimations of Willis McGahee. Mind you, neither of those two will probably play in a Pro Bowl in the foreseeable future. You're not even allowed to use exotic pass rushes, which is a main part of playing good, solid defense and a reason that a majority of the players who are in the Pro Bowl thrive on their teams.
"15 yard penalty. Playing
real football. #52, defense."

For all the people who say it's a risk to have them playing hard because of injuries, I say we let them play for a bonus. Say 50,000 bucks a piece to the winning team, and we get rid of the rule on restrictive blitz packages. Then it will actually be a celebration of the players AND the sport. That'd be something I'd be thrilled to watch. Sadly, the only thing intriguing about this Pro Bowl was Larry Fitzgerald just dominating. I guess that'll be good, for now.

February 02, 2009

The Good, Bad and Ugly: Super Bowl 43


1. James Harrison's 100 yard interception return. At first I screamed for him to go out and give the offense a chance. Then about the 20, I yelled for him to get in the damn end zone. Edge of my seat.
2. Santonio's catch. Ben heaved it near 3 Cardinals and somehow, Mr. Holmes comes up with that phenomenal catch. I'd still rank it behind Tyree in catches I've witnessed
3. Warner's effort. The old man has to come back to the Cardinals, because he drives there offense better then fratboy Leinart will. 377 yards against the Steelers is just unreal. If it weren't for the two plays mentioned above, Cards would be champs and Warner would have another Big Game MVP on his shelf at home.
4. Good call by the refs on the Kurt Warner fumble near the end of the game. No arm moving forward in a throwing motion.


1. Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes calling the Vince Lombardi trophy the "Dicky Lombardi" trophy. 'Bout as smooth as sandpaper right there.
2. Just plain fuckin stupid move by James Harrison in abusing Aaron Fransisco on a kick. Why do that when you've stopped them? He pretty much punched the man in the face. Hold your emotions for something stupid like that, or your ass will get more than a penalty. He was my MVP choice, until that call.
3. "Running into the holder." I've never, ever heard of that call in my lifetime. And to call it on Adrian Wilson when he is stumbling forward and can't see a fucking thing he's doing? Bad, bad call.
4. Not seeing many new Super Bowl commercials up here in Canada. I saw maybe 2 new ones, one for Doritos, and a car commercial. Bo-gus.


Nothing. Not even the King of Redundancy, the Orchestrator of the Telestrator, John Madden, could ruin this amazing Super Bowl. Well, maybe a little.

January 31, 2009

Super Bowl 43: A Breakdown

The grandest stage. The only thing that can make me actually watch the commercials. The Super Bowl. And now, I shall give yo the grand insight into who's got the edge, and who will in the game Sunday.


Big Ben's won before, so has Warner. So to me, experience in these games is a wash. Some will point to how Warner set a record with the Greatest Show on Turf against the Titans in his first Super Bowl. I say fuck that, because he's no longer part of the show. Looking deeper into this, I'm inclined to give the Steelers the edge because of Charlie Batch, but he's hurt so their backup is Byron Leftwich, so I'm still giving the Cards the edge, because of who Warner throws to, and cause God is on his side.
Running Back

The Steelers can run the football. The Cardinals, it seems, don't have a running back who can consistently remember which foot goes in front of the other to run. One because he's getting old, and one because he's new. I'd use the guy in the middle of those 2 stages, J.J. Arrington, but he's fucking useless. The Steelers run game is solid and can use two guys, Willie Parker and Mwelde Moore. If need be, Bettis can get out of the studio and run some people over for a key 3rd down. Advantage Steelers.

Wide Receiver

This is probably the easiest position to call. Steeler supporters will say that Ward is clutch and reliable and Holmes is a deep threat. Well, that may all be well and good, but the Cards have 3 1000 yard receivers, or more than I thought humanly possible. When your 5th string receiver is a Pro Bowler (look it up. Sean Morey, NFC Special Teams Pro Bowler) then your team is a passing power. Larry Fitzgerald is quite possibly the best receiver in the league, AND he's a nice guy. Only bad part is he looks like Ronaldinho. Sad. Advantage Cards, though in funny names, I'd give it to the Steelers for Santonio and Limas. Awesome.

Offensive Line
Since the lost of Alan Faneca, Big Ben seems to have his ass hit the dirt a ridiculous amount of times. And if Warner can throw enough to get 3 1000 yard receivers, his line must be good, right? I'm going Cards, just because of Warner's time.

Defensive Line

Casey Ham-Ton anchors the Steelers line. And he literally anchors it. The mans a monster. The Steelers line is good at both rushing the passer (mainly tying up blockers so the LBs can destroy) and stopping the run. The Cards line, however, is rather weak in their pass rush. Maybe Big Ben won't be on his ass for most of this game. Steelers win this one to make it 3-2 Cards.


This is what even the casual sports fan knows about the Steelers. Their linebackers make quarterbacks and running backs shit themselves. James Harrison, Lamar Woodley, James Farriror, Larry Foote and even Lawrence Timmons (who will be a force soon, guaranteed.) are arguably the best set of linebackers in the league, and are the main reason the Steelers have the #1 D in the league. The Cards linebackers have some good talent like Karlos Dansby, but they are not even in the ballpark compared to the Steelers. Easy win Pittsburgh.

Defensive Backs

The Steelers have the better secondary anchored by Troy Polamalu and Ryan "We're gonna beat the Patriots" Clark. He's improved since he shut his yap. Against the Cards receivers, I think they got a touch match up, but they'll find a way through it. Adrian Wilson leads a decent cards group, but the star is Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie. Jesus that's a name. Still, I'll take crazy hair and the Steelers, making their lead 4-3.

The final score, ladies and gentlemen, is 4-3 Steelers. The final score will actually be 21-17 Steelers. And I will sit back with crappy pizza in hand and enjoy the boss during the halftime show. Being Canadian, we don't get the good commercials, which also means we have a chance to pee. Enjoy the game, and hope your bladder doesn't burst like a balloon.