April 05, 2009

2009 Mock Draft: Superhero Edition

1. Detroit Lions - Captain America - QB

Detroit hasn't had a franchise QB since the days of Bobby Layne, so how about getting the consummate All-American to be the new face of a new franchise. I'm sure Captain America would have all the necessary tools, the size and the leadership to guide Jim Schwartz's new regime.

2. St. Louis Rams - Sabretooth - LT

With the departure of Orlando Pace, the Rams most glaring need is on the offensive line. Steve Spagnuolo will take this mauler with the second pick to solidify the line for years to come.

3. Kansas City Chiefs - Superman - HB

The Chiefs take Superman, without a doubt the best player on the board. Scott Pioli can release the bad character Larry Johnson and replace him with, well, Superman. Matt Cassell will have a ton of pressure taken off his shoulders, and I bet Superman could run the wildcat to a tee. Plus, did we mention he's Superman?

4. Seattle Seahawks - Hellboy - LT

With the signing of T.J. Houshmalalala, receiver is not a pressing need. However, protecting Matt Hasselbeck is. Hellboy would use his long arms and great hands to pummel defensive ends.

5. Cleveland Browns - Beast - RE

Mangini's 3-4 defense needs some ends that can get pressure while holding there own against the run. Beast could get to the QB with some rip moves, spin moves, or just scaring the shit out of them.

6. Cincinnati Bengals - Doomsday - LE

With Cincinnati's dreadful defense Doomsday is exactly what this franchise needs. Doomsday would bring the intensity and aggression to a defense lacking both of these, and he would also bring fear to opposing offenses. We're praying for a meeting between Cincinnati and Kansas city.

7. Oakland Raiders - Flash - WR

The best receiver in the draft comes off the board here. We all know how much Al Davis loves 40 times, so the Flash is an obvious pick. Besides, Jamarcus Russell just has to throw one 60 yards from his knees, and the Flash will get there.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars - Batman - QB

Clearly a genius, Batman would force Garrard to play better. If Garrard didn't play to his potential I'm sure Batman could find something on his belt to lead the Jags to a play-off berth.

9. Green Bay Packers - Venom - MLB

With the pack switching to a 3-4 under Dom Capers, the drafting of Venom will let A.J. Hawk stay on the outside where he belongs as a bookend, with Aaron Kampman playing the elephant. Corner is a possibility here, but Venom's freakish ability is too good to pass up.

10. San Fransisco 49ers - Iron Man - WR

This isn't a pressing need or anything, even though they have inconsistency and age at the position, but the Niners would love to have a big play threat like Iron Man. With solid durability and burst off the line, he'd make a solid target for Shaun Hill. Or Alex Smith. Or whoever.

11. Buffalo Bills - Luke Cage - TE

Buffalo needs a TE that could be a vertical threat. With genetically enhanced muscles that won't get him in trouble like B.J. Raji, Luke Cage would be a solid TE, blocking and receiving. And for those of you who are saying "who the hell is Luke Cage?" Google it.

12. Denver Broncos - Juggernaut - DT

With the switch to a 3-4 defense, the Broncos need many new defensive pieces. Juggernaut could smooth the transition by not only being a 2 gap defender, but pretty much a 4 gap defender. He would solidify the inside line because he's the Juggernaut, bitch.

13. Washington Redskins - Doctor Octopus - LT

With their tackles getting older, and with Jim Zorn wanting to get his offense off the ground, the selection of Doc Ock makes sense. He uses his arms very well and will give Jason Campbell time to make all the throws he needs.

14. New Orleans Saints - Green Lantern - CB

A running back could make sense here to go with Reggie Bush and Pierre Thomas, but a more pressing need is the secondary, where Green Lantern's speed and range should come in handy for the Saints.

15. Houston Texans - Robocop - OT

The 4th offensive tackle of the top 15 goes here to the Texans, where Duane Brown can hold down the left side, but Eric Winston isn't exactly an answer opposite him. Robocop could be plugged in on the RT spot from day 1 and has the durability to stay there for quite a while.

16. San Diego Chargers - Hulk - MLB

Getting some interior linebacker help could be a good idea for the Chargers, and with Merriman coming back next season, their linebackers could be one of the best groups in the NFL, especially with this monster manning the middle. The only reason he falls this late is because you don't know which side of him will show up on game day.

17. New York Jets - Gambit - QB

The football world knows that the Jets like Southern-born gunslingers, and with a quarterback stable of Erik Ainge, Brett Ratliff and Kellen Clemens, a QB makes sense for new coach Rex Ryan, whether he admits it or not.

18. Denver Broncos - Wolverine - LE

Continuing with additions to the 3-4 D, Wolverine will add an end rusher with solid rip move and high durability.

19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Bane - DT

Even though a trade up for a Quarterback like Batman or Gambit is possible, a good idea would be to solidify the defensive line with a genetically modified freak.

20. Detroit Lions - Thing - MLB

Set on the outside with Ernie Sims and recently acquired Julian Peterson, the Lions will get Thing to man the middle. He's a solid tackler who acts like a brick wall preventing runners from getting to the second level.

21. Philadeplhia Eagles - Rhino - HB

Finally, a durable, change of pace back for Brian Westbrook. A North-South runner with some serious power.

22. Minnesota Vikings - Spiderman - WR

Minnesota finally gets an athletic play maker to be their number 1 receiver. With sticky hands and great leaping ability, Spidey would make an excellent target for either Sage Rosenfels or T-Jax.

23. New England Patriots - Mr. Fantastic - CB

Belichek type player with high character and matching ability. With the Pats being low on high quality corners, this was an easy pick. Able to cover a large area and should be a lockdown corner against other teams number 1 guys.

24. Atlanta Falcons - Deadpool - OLB

The Falcons lost quite a few linebackers this offseason (Michael Boley, Keith Brooking) and getting Deadpool would be a good choice. Even though he has some character issues, his durability, athleticism and pure power would be good for the team. Plus, his irreverent banter would be entertaining.

25. Miami Dolphins - Punisher - SS

The Dolphins need safety help, and the Punisher would be an ideal fit as a tough, character guy for Bill Parcells. He would patrol the middle and lay devastating hits on anyone who crossed him. Especially those who harm his family.

26. Baltimore Ravens - Cyclops - CB

With a fading group of corners and unproven youngsters Cyclops would be the best pick available. He will contribute greatly to this already stellar D, as long as he keeps his glasses on.

27. Indianapolis Colts- Human Torch- WR

The Colts need to pick wideout after releasing Marvin Harrison, who better than a speedy man on fire. Human Torch will be able to spread the defense, leaving them with deep zones to prevent getting burned. The only downside? After every catch, we'll need a new ball.

28. Philidelphia Eagles - Mr. Freeze - OT

Stacy Andrews and Todd Herremans are solid, yet not spectacular options for Andy Reid. Mr. Freeze would cool down hot blitz packages, handling them with ease. He won't get penalties as he'll be cool under pressure, and will be solid like an ice berg on the left or right side of the line. I'll stop with the puns now.

29. New York Giants - Nightcrawler - WR

Plax got the axe, and Tom Coughlin has an unreliable stable of receivers, so one with the abilities of Nightcrawler would be accepted with open arms. He can teleport from the line, to the reception, to the endzone quickly, and has experience as a gymnast to help make acrobatic catches.

30. Tennessee Titans - Thor - DT

Haynesworth went for the money in D.C., so the Titans should choose someone to bring strength and intensity to the position. With his longevity, he could anchor the middle of the line for years to come.

31. Arizona Cardinals - Spawn - OLB

Cardinals pick up a pass rushing demon in Spawn, who they can match with Dansby to give them a formidable linebacker duo. He'll be in the nightmares of NFC west QB's.

32. Pittsburgh Steelers - Blob - OG

With the last pick of the first round, the Steelers take the Blob to play offensive guard. Which one you ask? Both, and the centre. How's that for cost-effective in this recession.


  1. Excellent mock. As a Texans fan though, I'd jump on Hulk if he's there at 15 and let Doc Oc fall.

  2. Dr Manhatten must be number 1!!!

  3. If i'm the chiefs, i am going with juggernaut to fill that tailback spot. He's literally unstoppable unless you take his helmet off..... Which i suppose is illegal to do on purpose in the NFL. And the fans would love to see the superhero version of Christian Okoye punish defenses again!

  4. You know the Bengals would take Bane. With his need of chemicals he would fit right in with the character of their locker room!

  5. I'd be leary of Doctor Octopus as a lineman. With the new emphasis this year by the NFL on holding, the good doctor may prove a liability.

  6. Hey thanks everyone. I never thought about Banes chemicals that way, maybe he should be there. Remember to subscribe, we're jsut gettin off the ground!

  7. The Titans go Old School with THOR. It's hammer time....

  8. Wolverine at DE? Whoa there, maybe in the Canadian Football League (Logan is Canuck, after all). But Wolverine doesn't have the sand in the pants to play DE in a 4-3 defense, much less the 3-4. Besides, he'd get called for illegal use of the hands if he ever uses his claws. Put him at safety where he can sniff out plays and hunt down receivers over the middle.

    And Thor at #30 is inexplicable. Especially when risky tweener picks like the Beast are going in the top 5.

  9. Doctor Manhattan has an unbelievable upside: infinite power, variable size, knows-the-future so would be impossible to fool and can be more than one place at a time, but he's a total head case - just may not show up or even care. After all to him, winning and losing a game - it is still the same set of atoms....

  10. the lions should pick a total dud, I say that they pick Robin first overall!

    superman clearly has to be the first overall...captain america, give me a break.

  11. aha That's funny, as I and Dylan were making this, we alway thought of putting Robin in, then always decided he was too much of a sis for the NFL.