January 31, 2009

Super Bowl 43: A Breakdown

The grandest stage. The only thing that can make me actually watch the commercials. The Super Bowl. And now, I shall give yo the grand insight into who's got the edge, and who will in the game Sunday.


Big Ben's won before, so has Warner. So to me, experience in these games is a wash. Some will point to how Warner set a record with the Greatest Show on Turf against the Titans in his first Super Bowl. I say fuck that, because he's no longer part of the show. Looking deeper into this, I'm inclined to give the Steelers the edge because of Charlie Batch, but he's hurt so their backup is Byron Leftwich, so I'm still giving the Cards the edge, because of who Warner throws to, and cause God is on his side.
Running Back

The Steelers can run the football. The Cardinals, it seems, don't have a running back who can consistently remember which foot goes in front of the other to run. One because he's getting old, and one because he's new. I'd use the guy in the middle of those 2 stages, J.J. Arrington, but he's fucking useless. The Steelers run game is solid and can use two guys, Willie Parker and Mwelde Moore. If need be, Bettis can get out of the studio and run some people over for a key 3rd down. Advantage Steelers.

Wide Receiver

This is probably the easiest position to call. Steeler supporters will say that Ward is clutch and reliable and Holmes is a deep threat. Well, that may all be well and good, but the Cards have 3 1000 yard receivers, or more than I thought humanly possible. When your 5th string receiver is a Pro Bowler (look it up. Sean Morey, NFC Special Teams Pro Bowler) then your team is a passing power. Larry Fitzgerald is quite possibly the best receiver in the league, AND he's a nice guy. Only bad part is he looks like Ronaldinho. Sad. Advantage Cards, though in funny names, I'd give it to the Steelers for Santonio and Limas. Awesome.

Offensive Line
Since the lost of Alan Faneca, Big Ben seems to have his ass hit the dirt a ridiculous amount of times. And if Warner can throw enough to get 3 1000 yard receivers, his line must be good, right? I'm going Cards, just because of Warner's time.

Defensive Line

Casey Ham-Ton anchors the Steelers line. And he literally anchors it. The mans a monster. The Steelers line is good at both rushing the passer (mainly tying up blockers so the LBs can destroy) and stopping the run. The Cards line, however, is rather weak in their pass rush. Maybe Big Ben won't be on his ass for most of this game. Steelers win this one to make it 3-2 Cards.


This is what even the casual sports fan knows about the Steelers. Their linebackers make quarterbacks and running backs shit themselves. James Harrison, Lamar Woodley, James Farriror, Larry Foote and even Lawrence Timmons (who will be a force soon, guaranteed.) are arguably the best set of linebackers in the league, and are the main reason the Steelers have the #1 D in the league. The Cards linebackers have some good talent like Karlos Dansby, but they are not even in the ballpark compared to the Steelers. Easy win Pittsburgh.

Defensive Backs

The Steelers have the better secondary anchored by Troy Polamalu and Ryan "We're gonna beat the Patriots" Clark. He's improved since he shut his yap. Against the Cards receivers, I think they got a touch match up, but they'll find a way through it. Adrian Wilson leads a decent cards group, but the star is Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie. Jesus that's a name. Still, I'll take crazy hair and the Steelers, making their lead 4-3.

The final score, ladies and gentlemen, is 4-3 Steelers. The final score will actually be 21-17 Steelers. And I will sit back with crappy pizza in hand and enjoy the boss during the halftime show. Being Canadian, we don't get the good commercials, which also means we have a chance to pee. Enjoy the game, and hope your bladder doesn't burst like a balloon.

January 23, 2009

The State of Missouri

Let's be hypothetical. Say, for some reason, 30 teams in the NFL cannot compete in the Superbowl. Plane crashes, mysterious diseases, Pacman Jones. All of these could be the reasons. But all of the teams are gone, except for those in the state of Missouri, the St. Louis Rams and Kansas City Chiefs.

I'd rather have my eyes gouged out with a rusty fork than watch that shitfest.

Oh what a glorious mess the Rams are. The defense is atrocious, and the only reason I have any hope for the defensive line is Chris Long, and he just hasn't given me enough time to find something to hate about him. At least they have Osk... Osham...O.J. Atogwe. But he's a free agent and I look for him to get his first train ticket out of the doomed state. The offense has some "good pieces." By some, I mean one, and by good pieces I ,mean Steven Jackson. The only thing the Rams have going for them right now are his legs. They get the second pick in the draft, and maybe, just maybe, they could help their interior line, which looks like a piece of meat after Roseanne was done with it. As in it isn't there anymore.

And with the third pick in the NFL draft this year, the other Missouri entrant in the worst hypothetical Superbowl, the Kansas City Chiefs. When Tyler Thigpen is your QB of the future, your team is terrible. Tony Gonzalez almost got out of KC into playoff-bound New York, but things didn't work out. I feel so terribly for him. Thigpen led all QBs in rushing, mainly from being chased out of the pocket once his line collapsed, so in about a half second. The defense isn't exactly stellar either. Honestly, I could not name you 4 starters on this defense without cheating. The only two I know are Glenn Dorsey, who did the best disappearing act since Bobby Petrino last year, and Saint Bernard Pollard, who I call that due to him injuring Tom Brady in week 1. Up until yesterday, I was still under the impression that Willie Roaf still played for them. Well at least they have the 3rd pick. I just can't wait to see them screw it up.

The shitty missing link between the two

I have a Chiefs fan for a friend, and a Rams fan for a friend, and it is just awesome to hear their reasons why their teams are not all that bad. Rams fan blames an injured O-Line / QB / HB / Everything. Recently, however, he has given up on thinking is Rams are good, and is just waiting patiently for the rebuilding to fully commence. My Chiefs friend, however, is still looking at his shit team through rose colored glasses. He believe Dwayne Bowe will be the next Fitz (which no one will) and that Tony G has some years left in him (definite no. He's got 1). His old hard-on was for Ty Law, the past his prime corner who now is not on the team at all. Oh well, I hope he'll learn. And the team will learn. Learn how not to suck.

January 20, 2009

Tavaris, We Hardly Want To Know Thee.

Tavaris Jackson,

Now, for a while I didn't follow T-Jax's career because, well he wasn't that important. He was a stretched pick in the 06 draft, where people had him going in rounds 4-7 and he was picked end of round 2. I stayed away from him throughout that rookie season, only knowing he was bad enough for my Packers to beat him without much sweat.

This all changed with Madden 08. Superstar mode. Oklahoma running back Adrian Peterson. QB: Tavaris Jackson. Realization - the Madden version of this man is fucking terrible. Every game had at least 3 picks from my buddy T-Jax, with a majority of them going for 6. Now I was pretty convinced the game was just being slightly unrealistic due to the skill level it was on. But then I started watching him in a normal game.


He ACTUALLY THROWS PICKS LIKE THAT. Not in the volume of the Madden game, but just as bad. Throws that actually go to the wrong team directly, with no receiver in sight. Now, you can make the argument that he suffers from lackluster receivers and I will respond with the fact that no receiver can catch a ball thrown 5 feet behind him to a streaking safety. None. Except maybe Larry (God) Fitzgerald.

"His invisible friend is running

a streak between the safeties"

Now this year, I come in with high hopes for my Packers. Aaron Rodgers brings youth and less interceptions to the team then he-who-wont-be-fucking-named-cause-hes-a-prick. The majority of a defense was back, and Greg Jennings was in his own and Ryan Grant was becoming an effective runner. Besides, with the Bears lacking a proven running game and as the Vikings wait for T-Jax to develop, the Packers in all likelyhood have one more division title. Except one problem. Childress realized his mistake, and said "Wait, we could win games with a different quarterback. Gus, go in." Now came the weird part.

I missed his terribleness.

It was like a shitty, right handed Michael Vick part of me was missing, and I had no way to get it back. As the Vikings continued towards a division championship and the Packers failed to resemble anything like a run defense, I was certain I'd never see the interception artist formerly known as Tavaris in my division again. But in Week 14, my desperate prayers were answered as he played the entire second half. My prayer turned into a nightmare as I quickly realized something different. He was doing good.

Not just good, but GOOD-good. Efficient good. And he threw 4 fucking touchdowns in ONE GAME. That's about as many as I'd expect in 8 games from him. I thought at this point I was going to have to look for another quarterback in my division to pick on. Lucky for Dan Orlovsky, T-Jax came back to earth. Literally, by getting choke slammed in the wildcard round, and figuratively, by sucking huge donkey dick in the game. Now everything is in it's rightful place. The Vikings aren't in the Superbowl, and T-Jax will retain his throne as King of the crappy quarterbacks.

As long as Wrecks stays on the bench. (But that's another day)

"How much could the curse
effect him, really."

January 19, 2009

The Good, Bad and Ugly: AFC Championship


  1. Willis McGahee and Ryan Clark being ok after that brutal hit. Clean and vicious. That's a playoff hit.

  2. Haloti Ngata. How'd they ever reach the Super Bowl before he got here?

  3. Troy Polamalu's game clinching interception. Flacco tried to tackle him, lucky he didn't end up like T-Jax in the wild card round.
  4. Opening Kick-Off, I saw a Steeler defender take out one of the Ravens gunners with a clothesline. There's an unknown soldier.

"Guys, play nice."


  1. Limas Sweed's open drop. One play made the ending a whole lot more exciting and nerve wracking. Just don't go cry about it like your college QB.

  2. "Joe Cool." Nope, not anymore. 3 sacks, 3/14 in the first half, 3 picks (including one that iced it). Not how you play in the playoffs son. Good job with the trifectas, though.

  3. Running games of both teams. Parker 24-47, McGahee 20-60-1 time annihilated.

  4. 2 tackles from Ed Reed. Not enough impact on one of the most important games of his career.


  1. CBS Pre-game show. True or False segment. Question was "The Pittsburgh Steelers will win tonight's game and play in Superbowl 43" Boomer Esaison and Shannon Sharpe pick "False", and begin to yell about how they wanted true. Basic literacy here, people.

  2. Raven's O-line. The major factor for the awesome offensive spectacle put up by Baltimore. Consistently dominated up front by the Steelers and didn't give Flacco enough time. The holes they made this game were so small, Sproles couldn't fit through them.

  3. The game in general. So many short drives and possession changes. My mind was drifting in and out. It was ridiculously long.

  4. My Superbowl prediction. I had Baltimore-New York, but now that's all gone to shit. Ah well. Why did I ever doubt Polamalu. Fuck.